Sarah

[calum]

Break the bowl --
instead of regret,
fall back into the potter's hands
and be reborn

These are the first words in the book my friend Sarah gave me for Christmas. It's a Charles de Lint novel - Spirits in the Wires - one of many de Lint has written set in the city of Newford. Newford is a magical place, where spirits and fairys walk the streets of an city, side by side with the homeless, gang members, and other urban inhabitants. It's a world where art, music and writing can bridge the gap between human and other, and where magic is hardly ever noticed, but always present. Where the talented among us can reach for magic, but never quite reach it - only find small tastes that flavour our lives.

That's the world Sarah lived in. She first shared that with me a dozen years ago, sitting on a large rock outside Crieff, when she told me about the fairy queen she'd shared her childhood with, and how she found it hard to believe in now, but very very much wanted it to be true. Everything Sarah touched was a little magical, and a little better for that.. but never quite as magical as she wanted it to be. I don't think she ever quite saw, or believed, how much magic was around her.

She was also unaware, I think, of just how many lives she touched, how many people she influenced, changed.. and made life better for. I don't think she knew, until very recently, how loved she was, by how many.

I spent a cold winter season with Sarah - she was taken into hospital in early December - and spent her Christmas, New Year, and birthday there.. before finally moving to the hospice, dying on January 9th. I spent as much time as I could with her - visiting nearly every day, while trying not to intrude on family space or overwhelm her. I was happy to spend a little time with her on Christmas Day. It was a priviledge to be able to see the New Year in with her and Syd, to watch the fireworks from the hospital window (honestly the best view in Edinburgh). I felt very special to be able to share her birthday cake, and be around her on that day too. I was able to hold her hand, talk to her, laugh with her, share stories - and say all the things I wanted to say. At times it was difficult for me - having lost my father to cancer only a year before.. but being with her made it easy, and warm - and that made it easy for me to be warm, and supportive to her. She shared her space with me, good and bad, allowing me to be there even if she was asleep.

She had so many friends visit, and I know she appreciated every one. One day I came in an hour after visiting hours started, to find her asleep, and notes from the eight people who had visited before me waiting for her. She hated having to turn people away, not just for their sake - but her own - but she wasn't strong enough to see everyone, every time they visited. But with each visit, she understood a little more.. she was finally coming to understand how special, how loved, she was. That was a truly wonderful, magical thing to see and share - and every single person who visited her contributed to that. She died very loved, and knowing she was very loved.

I could write pages and pages about Sarah - why I loved her, why she was my "annoying little sister", how we fell out (several times), how we always made up, the things we did together, the things we wanted to do together.. But those are thoughts that mean something to me, not to others. And the thing everyone will say about Sarah was - she was a different person to everyone she knew. If we put my memories, and everyone elses memories of her together, it would seem impossible that they were all one person.

But that's magic for you - and everything about Sarah was like those de Lint books - real, but with that little twist of magical reality. Just enough to make you want more.

Now she's in another place - and I'm sure I can see her smiling back at us - having found the true magic at last.


Image courtesy of funkyplaid

Comments

[rdi.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

As I commented elsewhere, I have the feeling of having lost a friend I never knew; I can only imagine how great the loss is for those who did know her.

[thefabmiskat.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing your memories of Sarah. I am glad and honored to know you and through you, know her a little as well. Much love and hugs.

[batswing.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

She sounds like a wonderful person. I hope she's found the magic, and I hope it lives on in everyone she touched here.

[http://users.livejournal.com/puzzle_/]

A beautiful tribute. I wish I had the opportunity to have known her. She obviously is greatly loved, by those who knew her, and those who have been touched by her story.

So very glad you were able to spend so much time with Sarah and her family these past couple of weeks.

[alisoneales.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing that Calum. I'm thinking of you and Puzzle at this time.

[funkyplaid.livejournal.com]

Oh, Calumn, this is so very beautiful. To know what it was like for that last few weeks through your eyes and words; to hear that she finally understood all the beauty she brought into all of our lives...and I never saw it before now, but you've got that photo pegged – it's *so* De Lint, it's hard to believe it isn't a cover of one of his books. How many conversations did she and I have about Newford and its inhabitants? I can't even begin to count.

With every new story I read, she'll be a regular character, waiting in the wings – just beyond our ken, but always in our hearts. I'd like to mail Charles with this, with your permission. I imagine he'd be extremely touched to see it, and to know that we had a living inhabitant of Newford amongst us for a spell.

[calum]

Please do.. I can't remember if Sarah introduced me to Charles de Lint, or I her.. but he's been a writer we've both loved for such a long time.

Please do mail it to him, and please include the photos if it seems appropriate.

[angledge.livejournal.com]

She bought me a deLint book when she visited me last summer (I can't remember which title, & I'm not at home to check).

Thank you for writing this - it is a perfect description of Sarah.

[faerierhona.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing this, I wish I'd known her

Sarah

[(Anonymous)]

A beautiful tribute. The magic within Sarah touched so many people. Thank you for this posting.
RR

[dr-jen.livejournal.com]

The night that Sarah passed over I dreamt I was shown a garden in which there was a peace lily, surrounded by lush, dark green foliage. I'm glad that she was surrounded by love when she found peace and that she'll live on in the hearts and minds of those whose lives she touched. My thoughts are with you.

[prettyname.livejournal.com]

Your tribute brought such a beautiful warmth to my heart. Your words reminded me of other words that right now are for you; there would not be such an extraodinary sadness had she not been such an extraodinary woman. Sarah sounds like someone I would have loved to have known. When you feel a wrap of cotton wool like warmth envelope you, know where it's coming from..x

with love,
tracie..xxx

[loopylurcher.livejournal.com]

That is a very moving and heartfelt comment. I hope that she has found her magic now.

Hugs

[captainwhimsy.livejournal.com]

Just Big Hugs.

[nickys.livejournal.com]

That's beautiful.

[(Anonymous)]

Thankyou for allowing me to be privvy to something obviously very private and distressing for u. I want to put loadz of stuff here that is running through my head but all i can put is WOW... what a truly inspirational woman! You must feel extremely priviledged to have shared a part of her life :)